It's come to my attention, by some very harsh comments and 'looks', that my **personal** practicing of my religion isn't exactly welcomed in some circles. Mostly Muslim circles. I find that to be such a tragic paradox.
[Note: when I say Islamic knowledge, I'm just trying to learn how to pray right, learn the history, learn about the Prophet, learn how to read the Qur'an properly, I am no student of knowledge that can understand the intricacies of the religion such as its jurisprudence, nor can I explain every verse of the Qur'an with it's cause of revelation and grammatical miracles that hold immense truth/knowledge within them, I don't even know ONE hadith by heart.. no no, I'm a moderate Muslim, just trying to learn]
I don't know if it's the fact that I am very open about gaining Islamic knowledge, and I actually speak passionately about Islam when someone opens up the topic with me. Note: when someone ELSE opens the topic, not when I do, I tend to not bring it up unless the other party shows interest.
Or, it might just be my very public struggles to gain knowledge, and putting on the hijab at such a late age, might make others feel threatened. Maybe their guilt is eating at them for not following the same path, or for being too comfortable with doing the minimum required for any Muslim (even if they put on the hijab and grew a beard).
I'm not sure. What I know for certain is that no matter how easy going I try to be about my own practices, people don't like it. As if this in any way affects their lifestyle, I'm not preaching to them, and I don't intend to, knowing that by being silent I am already receiving hostility, then for sure if I speak my mind, I shall be ostracized.
Sometimes I get so caught up with my pursuit of knowledge, and being in the company of the righteous, that I forget what it feels like to travel in other circles. In my non-Muslim circle of friends, I find tolerance and understanding, they have known me forever and accept whatever life choices I make as long as it brings me happiness, that's all they really want... my happiness. God bless them.
In my 'cultural' circle, it's a different scenario though. We share the same religion and the same culture, the only difference is that I had given up some of the cultural 'norms' so I can follow a more spiritual path. Such things as dancing in public surrounded by strange men. Something as small as that, is apparently enough to put me on some blacklist.
Within the family circle, I am met with a combination of both. They are weary of my life choices, but they still want the best for me. For that, I'm eternally grateful, Alhamdulillah (To God I give thanks). It still doesn't remove all tensions about my spiritual choices, their fears still linger in the background, sometimes becoming the elephant in the room, and sometimes results in random and irrational explosions. But that's still okay with me for 2 reasons:
1. They are my family, and as soon as an explosion is over, things are back to normal. You know, sometimes you just gotta let it all out, and I just happen to be an easy target.
2. The Prophet (SAW) has suffered more from his family, neighbours, tribe, and strangers. He (SAW) persevered through horrendous insults, physical and emotional abuse, as well as unfathomable situations, such as people putting animal intestines on him while he was praying. Even then he did not flinch (SAW).
Reflecting on these moments in history, I really can't help but feel like my heart sometimes might be too small to handle the path of knowledge, of truth. I am that weak, I hurt easily. But the Prophet (SAW) hurt more, endured more, and persevered through more than I can ever fathom. I do find peace in the fact that my trials aren't as tough as his (SAW), no one's trials are as tough as his (SAW). That's why he was sent as an example for us, to learn from his prophetic manners.
Good character is hard to achieve, I am no angel, I am no prophet, I am just someone trying to make it through each day. My books and lectures are my Cave of Hira, they are my escape for moments of solitude and reflection. Once each book is closed, I have to come down from the mountain, and come to terms with real life, which more than often, does not reflect the teachings of peace, love, unity, harmony, serenity, understanding, perseverance, and good character. I have to come down and face pre-Islamic Quraysh. No, people still live their lives based on self-interest. Which makes me no different than anyone else in the end, my own hopes for peace and everything that follows it, is really quite selfish and based on self-interest.
Even if it is for the happiness of others.
[Note: when I say Islamic knowledge, I'm just trying to learn how to pray right, learn the history, learn about the Prophet, learn how to read the Qur'an properly, I am no student of knowledge that can understand the intricacies of the religion such as its jurisprudence, nor can I explain every verse of the Qur'an with it's cause of revelation and grammatical miracles that hold immense truth/knowledge within them, I don't even know ONE hadith by heart.. no no, I'm a moderate Muslim, just trying to learn]
I don't know if it's the fact that I am very open about gaining Islamic knowledge, and I actually speak passionately about Islam when someone opens up the topic with me. Note: when someone ELSE opens the topic, not when I do, I tend to not bring it up unless the other party shows interest.
Or, it might just be my very public struggles to gain knowledge, and putting on the hijab at such a late age, might make others feel threatened. Maybe their guilt is eating at them for not following the same path, or for being too comfortable with doing the minimum required for any Muslim (even if they put on the hijab and grew a beard).
I'm not sure. What I know for certain is that no matter how easy going I try to be about my own practices, people don't like it. As if this in any way affects their lifestyle, I'm not preaching to them, and I don't intend to, knowing that by being silent I am already receiving hostility, then for sure if I speak my mind, I shall be ostracized.
Sometimes I get so caught up with my pursuit of knowledge, and being in the company of the righteous, that I forget what it feels like to travel in other circles. In my non-Muslim circle of friends, I find tolerance and understanding, they have known me forever and accept whatever life choices I make as long as it brings me happiness, that's all they really want... my happiness. God bless them.
In my 'cultural' circle, it's a different scenario though. We share the same religion and the same culture, the only difference is that I had given up some of the cultural 'norms' so I can follow a more spiritual path. Such things as dancing in public surrounded by strange men. Something as small as that, is apparently enough to put me on some blacklist.
Within the family circle, I am met with a combination of both. They are weary of my life choices, but they still want the best for me. For that, I'm eternally grateful, Alhamdulillah (To God I give thanks). It still doesn't remove all tensions about my spiritual choices, their fears still linger in the background, sometimes becoming the elephant in the room, and sometimes results in random and irrational explosions. But that's still okay with me for 2 reasons:
1. They are my family, and as soon as an explosion is over, things are back to normal. You know, sometimes you just gotta let it all out, and I just happen to be an easy target.
2. The Prophet (SAW) has suffered more from his family, neighbours, tribe, and strangers. He (SAW) persevered through horrendous insults, physical and emotional abuse, as well as unfathomable situations, such as people putting animal intestines on him while he was praying. Even then he did not flinch (SAW).
Reflecting on these moments in history, I really can't help but feel like my heart sometimes might be too small to handle the path of knowledge, of truth. I am that weak, I hurt easily. But the Prophet (SAW) hurt more, endured more, and persevered through more than I can ever fathom. I do find peace in the fact that my trials aren't as tough as his (SAW), no one's trials are as tough as his (SAW). That's why he was sent as an example for us, to learn from his prophetic manners.
Good character is hard to achieve, I am no angel, I am no prophet, I am just someone trying to make it through each day. My books and lectures are my Cave of Hira, they are my escape for moments of solitude and reflection. Once each book is closed, I have to come down from the mountain, and come to terms with real life, which more than often, does not reflect the teachings of peace, love, unity, harmony, serenity, understanding, perseverance, and good character. I have to come down and face pre-Islamic Quraysh. No, people still live their lives based on self-interest. Which makes me no different than anyone else in the end, my own hopes for peace and everything that follows it, is really quite selfish and based on self-interest.
Even if it is for the happiness of others.
